The Overdose...

Sometimes, right in the middle of something, you get an epiphany; an awakening of some sort and realize that it was all in your head - the words that he said, the things that he did... They were probably there, but you just misread them; or did the mistake of reading too-much in them. It's like being on a drug and then, when you think you can take just a little bit more; the overdose strikes. That's exactly how it happened with me and Glasses...
Again, against the advice of my friends, I decided to spend some time with Glasses; I was rationalizing and justifying my wanting to hang out with him by telling myself and my friends that I was doing him a favor by helping him out. But I knew that was far from the truth; I just needed my "Glasses Fix". The first mistake that I did was spend four consecutive days with him, which usually started at 5 p.m. and sometimes didn't end till midnight. He needed help with his apartment, so I offered to help him get it together. I would be lying if I said I wasn't having a good time, in fact, it was pretty enjoyable. As I leaned against his kitchen counter and watched him shelf away the goods we had just purchased from the grocery store; I realized how much of a "coupley" week we had together - it was like we spent four days "playing house". The four days we spent together made me comprehend how much I wanted to do those things with a boyfriend, not a friend. I walked towards the couch in the living room and waited for him. He then appeared and sat on the couch opposite to mine. Throughout the time we spent together, I got the feeling that he was sending me mixed signs and signals about what we meant to one another. As music wafted into the room through his laptop, he patted the empty seat next to his and said: "Why are you all the way there? Come and sit here, I'm not going to bite you." It was comments like that and his offer of whether I wanted to move in with him in the beginning of summer that made me cautious about the things I said and did whenever I'm around him.
After spending most of the afternoon and evening together, he suggested we have dinner in Gemmazeh. It was at the restaurant that it hit me of what an idiot I was... By the time food was served, we had run out of things to talk about. Mid-way through the main course, he started to simultaneously text his friends and ask them what they were up to; flirt shamelessly with the waiter in front of me; chain smoke; and gulp down his wine like it was apple juice ("You sip wine... not gulp it!" My mom once said to me. I wanted to share that with him but thought he was too drunk to appreciate the humor behind it). As I watched him 'demonstrate' his multitasking abilities, I couldn't help but wonder why it took me so long to realize what a big mistake this all was. I was a bit mad because it took me a while to realize what I really was to him... Nothing more than a "time-filler". He'd needed someone to hang-out with because he was feeling down about breaking up with his boyfriend in New York, and everyone knows misery loves company and that is exactly what I was: company. Who else is he going to ask to hang out with him? Why... No one other than single, pathetic, and desperate Gary! Who else was ready to drop everything and meet him whenever and wherever he wanted? Why... no one other than Gary! Like an epiphany, it all came to me right there... I was no longer allured by him, in fact, he looked sloshed and drunk. The wine that had tinted his lips a soft pink hue might have made me melt a day before, but the effect had worn off me. Now, he just looked pathetic; but I looked even more pathetic. I had allowed myself to fall head over heels over someone who wasn't even worth it; who wasn't even remotely interested in me. I couldn't wait to get out of the restaurant and head home; luckily he ordered the bill without even asking if I was ready to leave.
Classy...
On the way back to his apartment, neither of us spoke. He had his hands deep inside his pockets; occasionally removing them to reply to a text from a friend. Once at his place, he turned to me and said: "Okay, bye budz!" And with that he walked off.
Budz! Wasn't that the nickname of that basketball playing dog, "Buddy"?
Budz!
I watched him being engulfed in the darkness that surrounded his building and I knew that whatever feelings I did have for him were now completely over. His parting words were all I needed to hear.
As I drove back home, the bustling streets of Beirut never asleep, I thought about the week I had with Glasses and I came to the conclusion that I did learn something about myself: I am ready for a serious, long-term commitment; one that includes not playing house but actually living in with someone - taking those steps that a real couple does; however, I wasn't going to do that if I wasted my time with the douches I've been hanging out with. As I got into bed that night, I made a vow to myself: I will never allow myself to become weak like that ever again; I will no longer be as naive as I was. A part of me was glad that I didn't act on those misread signs that he was giving off - I would have been horrified if he had rejected me point-blankly to my face.
The overdose... Those four days were all it took to get my dose of Glasses that was enough to get me off my bad habit... Now, it's time I start to detox him from my system.

Falling For the Friend...

I've always made awful decisions concerning which guys to date... I've always gone for the guys that are unavailable, messed up psychological, emotionally immature - even some that are intellectually immature, guys with substance abuse (yes... I had even gone that low once), and even straight guys... My gaydar isn't always working too good for me... But the biggest mistake I've made so far is falling in love with a friend of mine...
It started off as a simple crush and then it became a sort of obsession - a need to know what he's doing, whom he's hanging out with... I would bite my nails when I send in a text message and wait anxiously for his reply. "Okay... it's been twenty minutes and still no reply... Why isn't he responding? Is he out with someone else? Is he intentionally avoiding me?" Of course, I would not know when to stop... so I would start calling him and shutting off after the first ring. When he wouldn't respond back to either the call or message, I would get beyond hysterical. But the thing is that the reason why I feel in love with my friend (let's call him Glasses - mostly because he does wear them!) was because everything seemed so simple and easy: we knew each other, we were comfortable being around each other... All the ingredients to cook-up the perfect relationship were there. And there is even a corny saying that goes like: The basis of all relationships is starting off as friends first.
But is that really so?
I would picture myself with this Glasses and I couldn't imagine or see myself ever having sex with my friend... Can we really get physical with each other? Can I really see my friend naked? God! Who am I going to nag to if I felt weird about having sex with my best friend? My other friends? These ideas have come to me more than once or twice...
But then I started to wonder why I fell in love with my friend in the first place. What was it that drew me to him? Was it the fact the he was always there for me? Always willing to listen to me even though I was bitching about something so trivial and juvenile? Was it because he was the shoulder I needed to lean on when I was feeling down? The truth is that the answer to all these questions is Yes... My friend was providing me something that I was lacking, but a part of me always knew that I was confusing my friend's role. I was seeing him as a boyfriend when the truth of the matter is that he was only a friend.
Glasses and I would go to lunches and dinners and he would always call them "non-dates," but a part of me wanted to always ask: "Why can't this be a real date? Everything is perfect..." The conversation is always flowing and there is no awkwardness between us...
When my other friends would ask me if I had a crush on Glasses, I would always scoff and outwardly deny my feelings for him: "Me have a crush on Glasses? No way! You are so wrong... we are just friends!" But I knew I was always transparent about my real feelings for Glasses.
Even though I've tried convincing myself that my feelings for Glasses are just my way of dealing with the fact that I'm lonely and trying to make a relationship out of nothing, I can't but help feeling jealous seeing Glasses on dates at Bardo or sipping wine with a stranger at the bar... Or stalking his Facebook page once a day at least! [Who is this guy he added as a Friend!?! Hum... he likes his photo, huh?]
For now I'm trying to put my feelings about Glasses in perspective... We're just friends.... But why can't I stop thinking about him? And Ugh... Why hasn't he replied to my text about meeting him tonight for dinner?