One Is The Lonliest Number...

I am sometimes afraid to admit this to anyone, let alone myself, but I am very lonely. The type of loneliness that I'm referring to is the kind that makes you feel as though there is a void inside of you that no matter how hard you try to fill, it just always seems to be there. Friends may provide temporary relief from that feeling of "emptiness"; however, at the end of the day it's just not enough. The truth is, even when I'm surrounded by friends, I still feel that bone-crushing sense of loneliness; one that, at times, just seems so overpowering that I start to zone-out. Plus, the fact that most of my closest friends are in relationships doesn't make it any easier on me. In fact, it just emphasizes how single I really am. As I sit across from my friends, a happy couple, I start to ask myself: "Why can't that be me? Why can't I find a guy who would love and care for me like that?" When I voice how lonely I truly am, my friends would roll their eyes and say, "Gary, you don't need a man to feel good about yourself. You don't need anyone to validate you." I would look at him and want to point out how hypocritical he sounded; he couldn't even go to the bathroom or make a simple decision without consulting his boyfriend first - but I decided to spare myself the drama and not bring that up; instead, I just nodded.
I've always made "excuses" to myself to why I'm still single: "I just can't find a guy who's emotionally mature for me," "The guys here are just too intimidated by how comfortable I am with expressing my sexuality," "Guys here just want sex and nothing else..." But I know what these all are, they are nothing but excuses; lame attempts from my part to try and rationalize how come I'm still desperately alone. At first, I blamed it all on myself: "I'm too picky," "I'm too needy and clingy," "I'm too feminine for some guys to handle," "I'm too this and too that..." However, I stopped victimizing myself when I realized that that is not true. Everyone deserves to be loved and appreciated; regardless of what and who they are.
"Oh, you'll find the right guy someday. Just be patient." I hate when people tell me that, it's like they are shutting me up. I feel like saying, "For how long must I wait? I'm tired of being patient! When is it going to be my turn to be happy? To gush about that guy that makes my heart beat a little faster? To want to share everything with him? When?" But just like I did with my friend, I just nod and pretend to be taking their "pearls of wisdom" to heart.
"Ugh, you have no idea how lucky you are to be single! I miss dating!" One of my friends actually said that to me recently and I wanted to smack him right in the face. "Lucky to be single?" He obviously has no idea what he's talking about. Dating in the gay community is like a tedious chore. I know dating, whether you're straight or gay, is awkward; but it's a whole different ball-game to us, homos. Because the community is so small, you're bound to know, have dated, or slept with a friend of his or an ex-boyfriend; the conversation doesn't always run smoothly; there is always this weird sexual question lingering in the air, 'Is he in it just for the sex?' 'Is he interested in something long-term?'. So no... I don't like dating, because I always end up more disappointed than hopeful.
The thing that really boggles my mind though is the fact that I'm not looking for something that is impossible to find. I just want a decent, normal (okay, that might be hard finding in Lebanon), intellectual guy who's interested in a stable, long-term, honest, monogamous relationship. In a nutshell, I just want someone who I can love and who can return that love to me. I feel as though I have all this bottled-up love inside of me that I want to share with someone, but I just can't seem to find. No wonder gay men adore their pets so much, because they displace all that pent-up love onto them. Who knew that finding someone to love unconditionally could be so hard? Plus, I'm not asking for much; a simple text message that says, "Hey, just thought I'd see how your day went so far," or a "I love you just because you're you," are more than enough for me.
I truly believe that everyone, including myself, are entitled to great relationships, ones that enforce the idea that we do need and deserve to be loved. So I end this post by saying, "To all those lonely single people out there, you're not alone..." I hope that was comforting enough for some of you!

Somebody To Love...

Soulmates... Monogamy... Somebody to love...
These three terms kept me mostly busy during the weekend, I spent most of my time just thinking about them as I listened to depressing country music and watched Beirut drown in rain... And for some reason, it got me thinking...
Soulmates... Do they really exist? Is there one person out there for you? Are we destined to meet that one special person who is out there waiting and looking for us? What if we have already crossed paths and somehow missed each other?
Two years ago, I was really interested in understanding more about soulmates so I had done an extensive research on the subject and I remember reading that the Aztecs believed that we are all old-reincarnated souls and that we carry fragments of our past lives' history, temperaments, and loves... So we spent our whole "new life" trying to reconnect with individual's from our past - even our loved ones; therefore, the Aztecs really did believe in soulmates... They are out there and we always manage to find each other again and again, no matter how far and near we might be. For some time, I had managed to find comfort in that thought... But is my soulmate in Lebanon? I would spend a good portion of my time, imagining my soulmate is out there looking for me, wondering what I'm doing.... But another thought came to me, are my parents really soulmates? Were my parents old souls that had managed to find each other and be together? For some reason, although my parents do love each other, I have difficulty believing that they truly are soulmates or truly meant to be together - they are vastly different from one another. What if someone is dating another individual, but has managed to find that one person who he knows and can feel it in his bones that they are meant to be; should he be true and follow his heart and risk everything by pursuing a silly idea like soulmates?
Can we love just one person? Can we make a promise to ourselves to just love one person? I'm not promoting polygamy or anything, but I just think that it would be a lie to tell someone that you'll love them and just them. This conversation sprung up when I was talking about relationships with a friend mine and I was vehemently arguing about the "value of monogamy," but I started having second thoughts later on. What if I'm dating this amazing guy, but somehow I manage to find another great guy - why should I have to choose between the two? Why can't I love them both? What if the second guy happens to be my soulmate, but I do have feelings for my boyfriend as well? This brings me to the concept of monogamy...
I think monogamy in homosexual relationships are very difficult to maintain and to keep, and that's because there is nothing that "officially" binds one person to another. I'm not saying that there needs to be a law that binds individuals to one another to maintain a relationship; but in heterosexual relationships there are "consequences" for breaking such a vow. Charles Darwin, the evolutionist, said that in order for males to survive they need to sleep with as many women in order to ensure the survival of their genes; however, he adds that society "condemns" such sexual behaviors and that is why monogamy is present. Gay men are wired the exact same way as heterosexual males - they have the basic wiring: needing to sleep with as many individuals to ensure survival, but without a need to establish "monogamy", gay relationships are almost impossible to keep.
At the end of the day, I'm not sure whether such things as soulmates, the "one", or the "love of my life" really do exist and that they are out there waiting and looking for me... It's like spending a fortune on Astrology books that talk about the compatibility of different star signs with one another and after a while you start to realize that it's all bull. With time, I started to come to terms with the notion that believing in soulmates is also a crock of bull - it's a delusion that we entertain ourselves with; a rationale we use to describe why we are still single and alone. Oh... I'm single because I just haven't found my soulmate yet. What if we've spent so much time and energy trying to "find" our soulmate that we have actually missed a great opportunity with an amazing guy who's right under our noses?
Is there somebody to love? I'll be an optimist and say 'yes', but will it be a long-lasting love affair? Will he be your soulmate? The answer to those I'm not quite sure. But if you're like me and think that you "deserve to be loved" and that you "need to be loved," than I'm going to tell you what I've been told many times before: Love happens when you least expect it... So till then, just love the one you're with! And if you're alone, you can always love yourself!