After my post "He's Just Into Your Hole", I've received a lot of questions from my readers regarding the issue of their relationship statuses. Most of the messages were as following: "Gary, does that mean we're dating? Or does that mean he's just into having sex with me and nothing more?" These inquires prompted me to come up with a follow-up blogpost in which I try my best to answer all of these questions by giving out tips and signs that show you that He's Just Not Into Dating You...
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Doesn't Want to Use Labels:
Labels. We all use them. Cognitively speaking, humans use labeling as a quick and effective way to sort and categorize events, people, and our surroundings into a mental filing cabinet of some sort. For example, let's say you meet someone and you automatically think she's a bitch. That mental labeling of that person stays with you for a while. So whenever you see her, you're like: "Oh, there's that bitch again." It's the same thing with relationships - we need to know what the label is in order to better understand where we stand in regards to one another. There is a significant difference between labeling someone as a "friend" or a "boyfriend". I always find it awkward when the issue of "Are we boyfriends or not" comes up when you're introducing your "status unsure" guy to others. You're like: "Um... So this is XX, he's my um... friend". A part of you wants to say boyfriend, but you're still not sure if you've reached that agreed upon status. But from what I've learned from my dating experience is this: He's not ready to date you if he's unsure of whether he wants you guys to use the "boyfriend" or "dating" label yet - better yet, he doesn't even bring it up. That should be a clear sign that it's better if you left before you got more emotionally invested in a relationship that's bound to head in "nowhere land" soon. I hate it when they give me the excuse "But baby... why do you want to be ruled by a label? Can't we just enjoy what we have?" No. You deserve to know where you stand with him and him with you. If he's not ready to change his Facebook status to "In a Relationship" (and he better add "I'm loving it") then he's not ready for the emotional maturity that comes with being in a relationship. Yes, I know... labeling is sometimes considered archaic and traditional, but it has been around for years - make that centuries - and people have lived very satisfied lives together; so yes, I need to know if I'm more than just a fuck buddy or am I something serious and long-term. Ergo, when you tell him it's time for the "boyfriend" talk and he rolls his eyes and starts blowing excuses out of his ass; that's your cue to give him your new status: Single and not afraid to mingle.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Wants to Have an "Open Relationship":
Okay, here is where the gloves come off, I have to say this loud and clearly: I loathe open relationships. Come on! Honestly, who in their right minds would want to be part of something like this? I've never been in one and I know I might be coming off as judgmental and highly opinionated (sue me if you want) but I believe that if he's looking to be in an open relationship that just means he's already planning an escape route in order to avoid being just with you. I know being monogamous in a society were promiscuity runs like water is difficult to maintain; I still don't think that justifies the need to be in an open relationship. The mere thought of having to share your boyfriend with another is unfathomable to me. Having your boyfriend tell you that he needs to be with others because you don't satisfy his entire needs is a slap in the face. The reason why I react so negatively towards open-relationships is because I've seen my friends go through them and I've lived their misery with them. Knowing that your significant other is having sex with another because he thinks it "spices" up your own relationship is pure bullshit to me. It's like saying its okay for your boyfriend to have sex with a prostitute because Hey! it might make things sexy when you're in bed together too! Or better yet, the excuse that it's okay as long as he doesn't get emotionally intimate with the other person he is having sex with. Call me old-fashioned or whatnot, but I still believe that when two people are in a relationship together, they are in it because they've accepted the other regardless of their flaws and imperfections. So if one believes that he needs to have sex with another just to re-juice the relationship, then I think that's a clear cry that something is definitely wrong in the relationship itself; and it might be time to either fix what's broken or to admit to the fact that it's done. At this point some of you might be saying, "But I know this couple where they were in an open-relationship and after a while he realized that he loved his boyfriend and he decided to stay with him..." and this is where I tell you to stop listening to stories like this. Yes, it might have happened but what are the chances that that is going to happen with you? Slim to none, and that's the truth. So it all comes down to this: Do you want to share your man with another because you can't "satisfy" all his needs? Do you really want to spend your time worrying whether your boyfriend enjoys having sex with another more than with you? I'm more than positive that there is another guy out there who is willing to share all of himself with you, so take my word and openly dump this douchebag.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Uses the F and B Word:
No... F and B don't stand for Fuck-Buddy and Butt-Friend. F and B actually stand for Friend and Brother. I think there is nothing worse that being madly in love and infatuated with another just to realize that he thinks of you as a friend or worse - as a brother. It's the ultimate let down and I should know - it's happened to me on several occasions. Sometimes when we spend time with each other, we sort of get accustomed to one another and just like any relationship, feelings do develop. However, the sad part is knowing that one doesn't share these same feelings with you. A few months back, I had developed a huge crush on an acquaintance of mine. We'd spend a majority of the time e-mailing, chatting, and contacting one another; at one point, I even believed that there might be something there. But, the reality of the situation was rudely brought to my attention when one night, he amicably slapped me on the back and called me his brother. That was a MAJOR turn-off. Although, interestingly enough, three years ago I was going out with this guy who wanted us to be BAX. When I asked him what he meant by BAX, he proudly announced that it stood for Brothers who Have Sex. Yes... That was enough to lead me to end all sort of contact with that person for I'm not a big fan of incest and I couldn't see myself having sex with someone who would moan "Fuck me brother"... But if anyone is up for something like that, I might still have his contact info. Anyway, the point being, he doesn't see you as dating material if he considers you as a close friend and confidante; so don't waste your time trying to make something out of nothing happen. You know the situation and the deal; look elsewhere for love.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Doesn't Respect You:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. We all know the lyrics to the song and yet so many tend to put that away whenever a guy is involved. Respect is a very broad term and it can mean a lot of things, but the point is clear: He should respect your beliefs, opinions, your body... Basically he should just respect you holistically. If a guy treats you with shit and walks all over you; he doesn't respect you. If he says he'll call and doesn't; he doesn't respect you enough to have the decency to keep his word. If he publicly humiliates you and makes you feel like you're less than what you really are; he doesn't respect you because he thinks if he brings you down in front of others it'll make him look good and macho. If he acts as though he is embarrassed to be seen with you in public or to be acknowledged as your boyfriend; he doesn't respect you because he is just an asshole. If he just sees your body as another hole to shove his cock into without having to care for your needs and feelings; he doesn't respect you because he just happens to be a bigger dick than the one he uses to fuck you with. He's an asshole that craps over everything that you do and trust me when I tell you this that you don't need that. A teacher of mine once said that we choose to be treated the way we think we deserve to be treated. So if you think you deserve being dragged in the mud than that's your choice; but if you believe you deserve to be treated with respect, then you'll ditch that creep and move on to better things - realizing that he's not worth dating if he can't show you enough decency.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He's Either Married or Otherwise Unavailable:
The forbidden fruit is indeed the most desirable one; we all know the story of how the snake was able to tempt that airhead Eve into biting into the apple - the same applies to married and otherwise unavailable men. I'm well aware that there are gay men who have taken wives and have bared children with them in order to avoid suspicion regarding their sexuality from others and no matter how much you try, they will NEVER leave their wives and the fictional world they have tried so hard to create for you - trust me when I say this. A friend of mine is obsessed with trying to convince gay married men to divorce their wives and take him instead and every time he ends up looking like a fool. When it comes to married men you are nothing more than an escape for them - an oasis in the middle of a dry and unforgiving Sahara. He doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. You are his one hour escape to a place where he can do whatever he wants without having his wife and straight friends know about. If he loved you so, why would he only see you when his wife was out of the house? Why would he only want to have a quickie in the back of his car? How come he never asks you about your day and how are things with you? Why is it that he only calls to let you know that he can penetrate your hole for 20 minutes while his wife is getting her hair done? Men like this won't change for you and when he whispers those lies into your ear, just remember that he is in the moment. To him, this is not real. It's a living daydream. Men like are turned on by the fact that they can make you believe that their lies are real - that you can fall for them. To them the lies are an extension of the fake lives they have created for themselves and their pathetic families for which I feel sorry for. He probably tells his wife the same things he tells you... He whispers in her ear that he loves her and feels nothing but passion for her. If only she knew she wasn't the only one he felt that way about. Hence, when you're in a situation like this remember that he is never going to date you; he is not going to sacrifice all that he has built for you. He might tell you that he will, but he is not going to date you - he might fuck you, but that's where it ends.
Dating these days is hard, I know that, but that doesn't mean that we should let our better judgment out the window just because we want so desperately to have someone. Yes, having a significant other is an amazing and truly cherishing experiences; but it can also bring with it its shares of heartbreak and misery. Why jump into something that seems uncertain? Would you jump in front of a speeding car when you know the driver won't stop? Would you invest in a business that you know is bound to fail? Some say that the risks are worth it because its better than not knowing and this is where I say that scraped knees and legs are easier to mend and heal than broken hearts. If he's not ready to date you and he's giving you excuses to why he thinks he's not ready, it's time you stop listening to his bull and seek elsewhere. There are six billion people in the world, I'm sure there is one that is willing and more than ready to date you.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Doesn't Want to Use Labels:
Labels. We all use them. Cognitively speaking, humans use labeling as a quick and effective way to sort and categorize events, people, and our surroundings into a mental filing cabinet of some sort. For example, let's say you meet someone and you automatically think she's a bitch. That mental labeling of that person stays with you for a while. So whenever you see her, you're like: "Oh, there's that bitch again." It's the same thing with relationships - we need to know what the label is in order to better understand where we stand in regards to one another. There is a significant difference between labeling someone as a "friend" or a "boyfriend". I always find it awkward when the issue of "Are we boyfriends or not" comes up when you're introducing your "status unsure" guy to others. You're like: "Um... So this is XX, he's my um... friend". A part of you wants to say boyfriend, but you're still not sure if you've reached that agreed upon status. But from what I've learned from my dating experience is this: He's not ready to date you if he's unsure of whether he wants you guys to use the "boyfriend" or "dating" label yet - better yet, he doesn't even bring it up. That should be a clear sign that it's better if you left before you got more emotionally invested in a relationship that's bound to head in "nowhere land" soon. I hate it when they give me the excuse "But baby... why do you want to be ruled by a label? Can't we just enjoy what we have?" No. You deserve to know where you stand with him and him with you. If he's not ready to change his Facebook status to "In a Relationship" (and he better add "I'm loving it") then he's not ready for the emotional maturity that comes with being in a relationship. Yes, I know... labeling is sometimes considered archaic and traditional, but it has been around for years - make that centuries - and people have lived very satisfied lives together; so yes, I need to know if I'm more than just a fuck buddy or am I something serious and long-term. Ergo, when you tell him it's time for the "boyfriend" talk and he rolls his eyes and starts blowing excuses out of his ass; that's your cue to give him your new status: Single and not afraid to mingle.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Wants to Have an "Open Relationship":
Okay, here is where the gloves come off, I have to say this loud and clearly: I loathe open relationships. Come on! Honestly, who in their right minds would want to be part of something like this? I've never been in one and I know I might be coming off as judgmental and highly opinionated (sue me if you want) but I believe that if he's looking to be in an open relationship that just means he's already planning an escape route in order to avoid being just with you. I know being monogamous in a society were promiscuity runs like water is difficult to maintain; I still don't think that justifies the need to be in an open relationship. The mere thought of having to share your boyfriend with another is unfathomable to me. Having your boyfriend tell you that he needs to be with others because you don't satisfy his entire needs is a slap in the face. The reason why I react so negatively towards open-relationships is because I've seen my friends go through them and I've lived their misery with them. Knowing that your significant other is having sex with another because he thinks it "spices" up your own relationship is pure bullshit to me. It's like saying its okay for your boyfriend to have sex with a prostitute because Hey! it might make things sexy when you're in bed together too! Or better yet, the excuse that it's okay as long as he doesn't get emotionally intimate with the other person he is having sex with. Call me old-fashioned or whatnot, but I still believe that when two people are in a relationship together, they are in it because they've accepted the other regardless of their flaws and imperfections. So if one believes that he needs to have sex with another just to re-juice the relationship, then I think that's a clear cry that something is definitely wrong in the relationship itself; and it might be time to either fix what's broken or to admit to the fact that it's done. At this point some of you might be saying, "But I know this couple where they were in an open-relationship and after a while he realized that he loved his boyfriend and he decided to stay with him..." and this is where I tell you to stop listening to stories like this. Yes, it might have happened but what are the chances that that is going to happen with you? Slim to none, and that's the truth. So it all comes down to this: Do you want to share your man with another because you can't "satisfy" all his needs? Do you really want to spend your time worrying whether your boyfriend enjoys having sex with another more than with you? I'm more than positive that there is another guy out there who is willing to share all of himself with you, so take my word and openly dump this douchebag.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Uses the F and B Word:
No... F and B don't stand for Fuck-Buddy and Butt-Friend. F and B actually stand for Friend and Brother. I think there is nothing worse that being madly in love and infatuated with another just to realize that he thinks of you as a friend or worse - as a brother. It's the ultimate let down and I should know - it's happened to me on several occasions. Sometimes when we spend time with each other, we sort of get accustomed to one another and just like any relationship, feelings do develop. However, the sad part is knowing that one doesn't share these same feelings with you. A few months back, I had developed a huge crush on an acquaintance of mine. We'd spend a majority of the time e-mailing, chatting, and contacting one another; at one point, I even believed that there might be something there. But, the reality of the situation was rudely brought to my attention when one night, he amicably slapped me on the back and called me his brother. That was a MAJOR turn-off. Although, interestingly enough, three years ago I was going out with this guy who wanted us to be BAX. When I asked him what he meant by BAX, he proudly announced that it stood for Brothers who Have Sex. Yes... That was enough to lead me to end all sort of contact with that person for I'm not a big fan of incest and I couldn't see myself having sex with someone who would moan "Fuck me brother"... But if anyone is up for something like that, I might still have his contact info. Anyway, the point being, he doesn't see you as dating material if he considers you as a close friend and confidante; so don't waste your time trying to make something out of nothing happen. You know the situation and the deal; look elsewhere for love.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He Doesn't Respect You:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. We all know the lyrics to the song and yet so many tend to put that away whenever a guy is involved. Respect is a very broad term and it can mean a lot of things, but the point is clear: He should respect your beliefs, opinions, your body... Basically he should just respect you holistically. If a guy treats you with shit and walks all over you; he doesn't respect you. If he says he'll call and doesn't; he doesn't respect you enough to have the decency to keep his word. If he publicly humiliates you and makes you feel like you're less than what you really are; he doesn't respect you because he thinks if he brings you down in front of others it'll make him look good and macho. If he acts as though he is embarrassed to be seen with you in public or to be acknowledged as your boyfriend; he doesn't respect you because he is just an asshole. If he just sees your body as another hole to shove his cock into without having to care for your needs and feelings; he doesn't respect you because he just happens to be a bigger dick than the one he uses to fuck you with. He's an asshole that craps over everything that you do and trust me when I tell you this that you don't need that. A teacher of mine once said that we choose to be treated the way we think we deserve to be treated. So if you think you deserve being dragged in the mud than that's your choice; but if you believe you deserve to be treated with respect, then you'll ditch that creep and move on to better things - realizing that he's not worth dating if he can't show you enough decency.
He's Just Not Into Dating You when He's Either Married or Otherwise Unavailable:
The forbidden fruit is indeed the most desirable one; we all know the story of how the snake was able to tempt that airhead Eve into biting into the apple - the same applies to married and otherwise unavailable men. I'm well aware that there are gay men who have taken wives and have bared children with them in order to avoid suspicion regarding their sexuality from others and no matter how much you try, they will NEVER leave their wives and the fictional world they have tried so hard to create for you - trust me when I say this. A friend of mine is obsessed with trying to convince gay married men to divorce their wives and take him instead and every time he ends up looking like a fool. When it comes to married men you are nothing more than an escape for them - an oasis in the middle of a dry and unforgiving Sahara. He doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. You are his one hour escape to a place where he can do whatever he wants without having his wife and straight friends know about. If he loved you so, why would he only see you when his wife was out of the house? Why would he only want to have a quickie in the back of his car? How come he never asks you about your day and how are things with you? Why is it that he only calls to let you know that he can penetrate your hole for 20 minutes while his wife is getting her hair done? Men like this won't change for you and when he whispers those lies into your ear, just remember that he is in the moment. To him, this is not real. It's a living daydream. Men like are turned on by the fact that they can make you believe that their lies are real - that you can fall for them. To them the lies are an extension of the fake lives they have created for themselves and their pathetic families for which I feel sorry for. He probably tells his wife the same things he tells you... He whispers in her ear that he loves her and feels nothing but passion for her. If only she knew she wasn't the only one he felt that way about. Hence, when you're in a situation like this remember that he is never going to date you; he is not going to sacrifice all that he has built for you. He might tell you that he will, but he is not going to date you - he might fuck you, but that's where it ends.
Dating these days is hard, I know that, but that doesn't mean that we should let our better judgment out the window just because we want so desperately to have someone. Yes, having a significant other is an amazing and truly cherishing experiences; but it can also bring with it its shares of heartbreak and misery. Why jump into something that seems uncertain? Would you jump in front of a speeding car when you know the driver won't stop? Would you invest in a business that you know is bound to fail? Some say that the risks are worth it because its better than not knowing and this is where I say that scraped knees and legs are easier to mend and heal than broken hearts. If he's not ready to date you and he's giving you excuses to why he thinks he's not ready, it's time you stop listening to his bull and seek elsewhere. There are six billion people in the world, I'm sure there is one that is willing and more than ready to date you.
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