The Tricky Question...

We've all been bombarded with tricky questions; ones that put us in a tight or difficult situation. Such as: "Do you like my new haircut?" You're thinking, "Um... no. You look like crap!" But instead you smile and say, "Are you kidding? I LOVE it! I'm surprised you haven't cut it like that ages ago!" Although you may "sugar-coat" your real opinion about certain issues, there are some topics its not as easy to cover up "nicely" with words... I know what I'm saying isn't new - it has been around for decades, but this one particular "tricky question" was brought to my attention this past weekend...
I met a guy - let's call him Curly - this past weekend for coffee. I'd met Curly once before and I had shelved him off as someone very young for me; however, we continued keeping in contact via the magic of Facebook and text. During our coffee date, the conversation flowed really easily up until Curly asked me a question which I had difficulty answering.
"Gary, when do you know you're in a relationship?"
I, for once, was actually having difficulty providing an answer. And the question really got me thinking... When does one know they are in a relationship? Is it after the first, second, or third date? Is it the first time you kiss? The first time you sleep together? The fact that Curly was staring deeply into my eyes expecting an answer didn't make things any easier for me. However, Curly took my silence as a sign that I wanted him to elaborate on his question. He cleared his throat and added, "Well, I've been 'seeing' this guy for two weeks now... We made out and everything... but I'm still not sure if we're dating or not. So, do you think we are?" There was such a naivety in the way he asked me the question, I felt as though he wanted me to say: "Yes Curly! You guys are dating!" But for some reason, I couldn't find myself sugar-coating this time... maybe it was because a little part of me was disappointed. It turned out Curly just wanted to see me because he wanted me to impart my "gay experience" as he called it.
"I think you're in a relationship when you guys agree to be exclusive; like in only see and be with each other," I replied. But then I thought about... How unromantic... How very "legal"... They don't show you in Hollywood Romantic movies the characters asking if they are "exclusive" or in a "relationship"... they just happen to know... I know there are no rules or guidelines for relationships, but for some reason, trying to figure out whether you're in a relationship in the gay world is much harder. It's like trying to decipher an ancient riddle... Are we or are we not dating? And I think trying to sugar-coat the answer to that question is not as easy as telling your friend a little white lie about the horrendous predicament her hair is in... You can always change your hairstyle (hair grows back), but its hard to mend a broken heart...
Feeling a little dejected and down... I was supposed to meet IT guy on the weekend too, but there was "unforeseen obstacles" in the way... So I was feeling a little pissy when I went to visit my grandmother (or Meme as I call her) on Sunday. I was pretty much sulking and huffing and puffing.
"What's wrong? Why making all these elephant noises?" Meme asked me. I couldn't exactly tell her I was upset because I'm gay and can't find a decent douche to go out with... I just told her that I was feeling a little lonely and that's when my Meme took me by the hand and dragged me to the hallway where she has a mirror.
"Two eyes, two ears, one nose, one mouth - open up... full set of teeth, two arms, and two legs... Everything seems to be in place, nothing missing. Don't tell me you're upset until you've lost either a limb or any other body part! There is nothing for you to be upset about!" She then swatted me playfully on the upper arm. I couldn't help but crack a little smile... Maybe because I knew my Meme was right. I really had no reason to be upset... Everyone feels lonely from time to time, but its not exactly a reason to get depressed about.
The following morning as I was getting ready to head out to work, I looked in the mirror and a tiny smile spread across my face. "Two ears... Two eyes... One nose... A mouth with a full set of teeth..."
I may not know when I'll find that special someone with whom I'll know we're in a relationship without having to ask him "Hey guy I've been with for a month now... Are we dating or what?", but I know he's out there somewhere... I've just got to keep a positive attitude and who knows... We'll meet someday...

Falling For the Friend...

I've always made awful decisions concerning which guys to date... I've always gone for the guys that are unavailable, messed up psychological, emotionally immature - even some that are intellectually immature, guys with substance abuse (yes... I had even gone that low once), and even straight guys... My gaydar isn't always working too good for me... But the biggest mistake I've made so far is falling in love with a friend of mine...
It started off as a simple crush and then it became a sort of obsession - a need to know what he's doing, whom he's hanging out with... I would bite my nails when I send in a text message and wait anxiously for his reply. "Okay... it's been twenty minutes and still no reply... Why isn't he responding? Is he out with someone else? Is he intentionally avoiding me?" Of course, I would not know when to stop... so I would start calling him and shutting off after the first ring. When he wouldn't respond back to either the call or message, I would get beyond hysterical. But the thing is that the reason why I feel in love with my friend (let's call him Glasses - mostly because he does wear them!) was because everything seemed so simple and easy: we knew each other, we were comfortable being around each other... All the ingredients to cook-up the perfect relationship were there. And there is even a corny saying that goes like: The basis of all relationships is starting off as friends first.
But is that really so?
I would picture myself with this Glasses and I couldn't imagine or see myself ever having sex with my friend... Can we really get physical with each other? Can I really see my friend naked? God! Who am I going to nag to if I felt weird about having sex with my best friend? My other friends? These ideas have come to me more than once or twice...
But then I started to wonder why I fell in love with my friend in the first place. What was it that drew me to him? Was it the fact the he was always there for me? Always willing to listen to me even though I was bitching about something so trivial and juvenile? Was it because he was the shoulder I needed to lean on when I was feeling down? The truth is that the answer to all these questions is Yes... My friend was providing me something that I was lacking, but a part of me always knew that I was confusing my friend's role. I was seeing him as a boyfriend when the truth of the matter is that he was only a friend.
Glasses and I would go to lunches and dinners and he would always call them "non-dates," but a part of me wanted to always ask: "Why can't this be a real date? Everything is perfect..." The conversation is always flowing and there is no awkwardness between us...
When my other friends would ask me if I had a crush on Glasses, I would always scoff and outwardly deny my feelings for him: "Me have a crush on Glasses? No way! You are so wrong... we are just friends!" But I knew I was always transparent about my real feelings for Glasses.
Even though I've tried convincing myself that my feelings for Glasses are just my way of dealing with the fact that I'm lonely and trying to make a relationship out of nothing, I can't but help feeling jealous seeing Glasses on dates at Bardo or sipping wine with a stranger at the bar... Or stalking his Facebook page once a day at least! [Who is this guy he added as a Friend!?! Hum... he likes his photo, huh?]
For now I'm trying to put my feelings about Glasses in perspective... We're just friends.... But why can't I stop thinking about him? And Ugh... Why hasn't he replied to my text about meeting him tonight for dinner?