We've all been bombarded with tricky questions; ones that put us in a tight or difficult situation. Such as: "Do you like my new haircut?" You're thinking, "Um... no. You look like crap!" But instead you smile and say, "Are you kidding? I LOVE it! I'm surprised you haven't cut it like that ages ago!" Although you may "sugar-coat" your real opinion about certain issues, there are some topics its not as easy to cover up "nicely" with words... I know what I'm saying isn't new - it has been around for decades, but this one particular "tricky question" was brought to my attention this past weekend...
I met a guy - let's call him Curly - this past weekend for coffee. I'd met Curly once before and I had shelved him off as someone very young for me; however, we continued keeping in contact via the magic of Facebook and text. During our coffee date, the conversation flowed really easily up until Curly asked me a question which I had difficulty answering.
"Gary, when do you know you're in a relationship?"
I, for once, was actually having difficulty providing an answer. And the question really got me thinking... When does one know they are in a relationship? Is it after the first, second, or third date? Is it the first time you kiss? The first time you sleep together? The fact that Curly was staring deeply into my eyes expecting an answer didn't make things any easier for me. However, Curly took my silence as a sign that I wanted him to elaborate on his question. He cleared his throat and added, "Well, I've been 'seeing' this guy for two weeks now... We made out and everything... but I'm still not sure if we're dating or not. So, do you think we are?" There was such a naivety in the way he asked me the question, I felt as though he wanted me to say: "Yes Curly! You guys are dating!" But for some reason, I couldn't find myself sugar-coating this time... maybe it was because a little part of me was disappointed. It turned out Curly just wanted to see me because he wanted me to impart my "gay experience" as he called it.
"I think you're in a relationship when you guys agree to be exclusive; like in only see and be with each other," I replied. But then I thought about... How unromantic... How very "legal"... They don't show you in Hollywood Romantic movies the characters asking if they are "exclusive" or in a "relationship"... they just happen to know... I know there are no rules or guidelines for relationships, but for some reason, trying to figure out whether you're in a relationship in the gay world is much harder. It's like trying to decipher an ancient riddle... Are we or are we not dating? And I think trying to sugar-coat the answer to that question is not as easy as telling your friend a little white lie about the horrendous predicament her hair is in... You can always change your hairstyle (hair grows back), but its hard to mend a broken heart...
Feeling a little dejected and down... I was supposed to meet IT guy on the weekend too, but there was "unforeseen obstacles" in the way... So I was feeling a little pissy when I went to visit my grandmother (or Meme as I call her) on Sunday. I was pretty much sulking and huffing and puffing.
"What's wrong? Why making all these elephant noises?" Meme asked me. I couldn't exactly tell her I was upset because I'm gay and can't find a decent douche to go out with... I just told her that I was feeling a little lonely and that's when my Meme took me by the hand and dragged me to the hallway where she has a mirror.
"Two eyes, two ears, one nose, one mouth - open up... full set of teeth, two arms, and two legs... Everything seems to be in place, nothing missing. Don't tell me you're upset until you've lost either a limb or any other body part! There is nothing for you to be upset about!" She then swatted me playfully on the upper arm. I couldn't help but crack a little smile... Maybe because I knew my Meme was right. I really had no reason to be upset... Everyone feels lonely from time to time, but its not exactly a reason to get depressed about.
The following morning as I was getting ready to head out to work, I looked in the mirror and a tiny smile spread across my face. "Two ears... Two eyes... One nose... A mouth with a full set of teeth..."
I may not know when I'll find that special someone with whom I'll know we're in a relationship without having to ask him "Hey guy I've been with for a month now... Are we dating or what?", but I know he's out there somewhere... I've just got to keep a positive attitude and who knows... We'll meet someday...
I met a guy - let's call him Curly - this past weekend for coffee. I'd met Curly once before and I had shelved him off as someone very young for me; however, we continued keeping in contact via the magic of Facebook and text. During our coffee date, the conversation flowed really easily up until Curly asked me a question which I had difficulty answering.
"Gary, when do you know you're in a relationship?"
I, for once, was actually having difficulty providing an answer. And the question really got me thinking... When does one know they are in a relationship? Is it after the first, second, or third date? Is it the first time you kiss? The first time you sleep together? The fact that Curly was staring deeply into my eyes expecting an answer didn't make things any easier for me. However, Curly took my silence as a sign that I wanted him to elaborate on his question. He cleared his throat and added, "Well, I've been 'seeing' this guy for two weeks now... We made out and everything... but I'm still not sure if we're dating or not. So, do you think we are?" There was such a naivety in the way he asked me the question, I felt as though he wanted me to say: "Yes Curly! You guys are dating!" But for some reason, I couldn't find myself sugar-coating this time... maybe it was because a little part of me was disappointed. It turned out Curly just wanted to see me because he wanted me to impart my "gay experience" as he called it.
"I think you're in a relationship when you guys agree to be exclusive; like in only see and be with each other," I replied. But then I thought about... How unromantic... How very "legal"... They don't show you in Hollywood Romantic movies the characters asking if they are "exclusive" or in a "relationship"... they just happen to know... I know there are no rules or guidelines for relationships, but for some reason, trying to figure out whether you're in a relationship in the gay world is much harder. It's like trying to decipher an ancient riddle... Are we or are we not dating? And I think trying to sugar-coat the answer to that question is not as easy as telling your friend a little white lie about the horrendous predicament her hair is in... You can always change your hairstyle (hair grows back), but its hard to mend a broken heart...
Feeling a little dejected and down... I was supposed to meet IT guy on the weekend too, but there was "unforeseen obstacles" in the way... So I was feeling a little pissy when I went to visit my grandmother (or Meme as I call her) on Sunday. I was pretty much sulking and huffing and puffing.
"What's wrong? Why making all these elephant noises?" Meme asked me. I couldn't exactly tell her I was upset because I'm gay and can't find a decent douche to go out with... I just told her that I was feeling a little lonely and that's when my Meme took me by the hand and dragged me to the hallway where she has a mirror.
"Two eyes, two ears, one nose, one mouth - open up... full set of teeth, two arms, and two legs... Everything seems to be in place, nothing missing. Don't tell me you're upset until you've lost either a limb or any other body part! There is nothing for you to be upset about!" She then swatted me playfully on the upper arm. I couldn't help but crack a little smile... Maybe because I knew my Meme was right. I really had no reason to be upset... Everyone feels lonely from time to time, but its not exactly a reason to get depressed about.
The following morning as I was getting ready to head out to work, I looked in the mirror and a tiny smile spread across my face. "Two ears... Two eyes... One nose... A mouth with a full set of teeth..."
I may not know when I'll find that special someone with whom I'll know we're in a relationship without having to ask him "Hey guy I've been with for a month now... Are we dating or what?", but I know he's out there somewhere... I've just got to keep a positive attitude and who knows... We'll meet someday...
2 comments:
Hi Gary, I've been reading what u post and u have a very good writing style, reminds me of Carrie Bradshaw from sex and the city :P I hope it's ok if I share my opinion on what you're saying though.
"I, for once, was actually having difficulty providing an answer. And the question really got me thinking... When does one know they are in a relationship? Is it after the first, second, or third date? Is it the first time you kiss? The first time you sleep together?"
In my opinion when u sleep together any doubt that u are in a relationship should be erased already, meaning why would u sleep with someone if u are not in a relationship.
maybe I'm old fashioned, but I view sex as an expression of love and commitment rather than a recreational afternoon activity.
"We made out and everything... but I'm still not sure if we're dating or not." ur answer was when u agree to be exclusive.
So, just how many guys does one make out with during the same period.
"The online man-catalog made me repulse males... but that didn't stop me from meeting them in cafes, their apartments, or in other shady places. And every time I went there, I thought to myself: "What the hell am I doing here?"
exactly.
We all want a decent douche to go out with, but when u settle for less than u deserve u end up with much less than u already settled for, and a decent douche, i think, won't be hanging in a notorious gay bar or on manjam or etc ...
"but for some reason, trying to figure out whether you're in a relationship in the gay world is much harder."
only because u make it that way, not u in person but in general, why is the gay world = dozens of meaningless dating, sleeping around and wondering after u have made out and slept together are we in a relationship, that's not the only available "gay world" it's the gay world you chose, and it seems to me you don't like it, so why do you continue to be part of it.
a decent douche will be looking for another decent douche with same decent views in a decent place.
with all the respect to your lifestyle.
I hope my comment isn't viewed negatively, and I hope u keep writing and that one day you'd be writing how you've finally met the decent guy you've always wanted.
Gareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Spaces, paragraphs and indentations man, reading that although enjoyable felts like running my eyes on a cheese grater.
Either way i find it weird that you believe that a relationship is only valid when it's monogamous.
So does that mean people who are in a committed open relationship are just fooling themselves ?
Anyone is in a relationship when he and his partner confess to that fact to each other and admit that they are in a relationship. Before that they are just flirting.
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