I've always made awful decisions concerning which guys to date... I've always gone for the guys that are unavailable, messed up psychological, emotionally immature - even some that are intellectually immature, guys with substance abuse (yes... I had even gone that low once), and even straight guys... My gaydar isn't always working too good for me... But the biggest mistake I've made so far is falling in love with a friend of mine...
It started off as a simple crush and then it became a sort of obsession - a need to know what he's doing, whom he's hanging out with... I would bite my nails when I send in a text message and wait anxiously for his reply. "Okay... it's been twenty minutes and still no reply... Why isn't he responding? Is he out with someone else? Is he intentionally avoiding me?" Of course, I would not know when to stop... so I would start calling him and shutting off after the first ring. When he wouldn't respond back to either the call or message, I would get beyond hysterical. But the thing is that the reason why I feel in love with my friend (let's call him Glasses - mostly because he does wear them!) was because everything seemed so simple and easy: we knew each other, we were comfortable being around each other... All the ingredients to cook-up the perfect relationship were there. And there is even a corny saying that goes like: The basis of all relationships is starting off as friends first.
But is that really so?
I would picture myself with this Glasses and I couldn't imagine or see myself ever having sex with my friend... Can we really get physical with each other? Can I really see my friend naked? God! Who am I going to nag to if I felt weird about having sex with my best friend? My other friends? These ideas have come to me more than once or twice...
But then I started to wonder why I fell in love with my friend in the first place. What was it that drew me to him? Was it the fact the he was always there for me? Always willing to listen to me even though I was bitching about something so trivial and juvenile? Was it because he was the shoulder I needed to lean on when I was feeling down? The truth is that the answer to all these questions is Yes... My friend was providing me something that I was lacking, but a part of me always knew that I was confusing my friend's role. I was seeing him as a boyfriend when the truth of the matter is that he was only a friend.
Glasses and I would go to lunches and dinners and he would always call them "non-dates," but a part of me wanted to always ask: "Why can't this be a real date? Everything is perfect..." The conversation is always flowing and there is no awkwardness between us...
When my other friends would ask me if I had a crush on Glasses, I would always scoff and outwardly deny my feelings for him: "Me have a crush on Glasses? No way! You are so wrong... we are just friends!" But I knew I was always transparent about my real feelings for Glasses.
Even though I've tried convincing myself that my feelings for Glasses are just my way of dealing with the fact that I'm lonely and trying to make a relationship out of nothing, I can't but help feeling jealous seeing Glasses on dates at Bardo or sipping wine with a stranger at the bar... Or stalking his Facebook page once a day at least! [Who is this guy he added as a Friend!?! Hum... he likes his photo, huh?]
For now I'm trying to put my feelings about Glasses in perspective... We're just friends.... But why can't I stop thinking about him? And Ugh... Why hasn't he replied to my text about meeting him tonight for dinner?
It started off as a simple crush and then it became a sort of obsession - a need to know what he's doing, whom he's hanging out with... I would bite my nails when I send in a text message and wait anxiously for his reply. "Okay... it's been twenty minutes and still no reply... Why isn't he responding? Is he out with someone else? Is he intentionally avoiding me?" Of course, I would not know when to stop... so I would start calling him and shutting off after the first ring. When he wouldn't respond back to either the call or message, I would get beyond hysterical. But the thing is that the reason why I feel in love with my friend (let's call him Glasses - mostly because he does wear them!) was because everything seemed so simple and easy: we knew each other, we were comfortable being around each other... All the ingredients to cook-up the perfect relationship were there. And there is even a corny saying that goes like: The basis of all relationships is starting off as friends first.
But is that really so?
I would picture myself with this Glasses and I couldn't imagine or see myself ever having sex with my friend... Can we really get physical with each other? Can I really see my friend naked? God! Who am I going to nag to if I felt weird about having sex with my best friend? My other friends? These ideas have come to me more than once or twice...
But then I started to wonder why I fell in love with my friend in the first place. What was it that drew me to him? Was it the fact the he was always there for me? Always willing to listen to me even though I was bitching about something so trivial and juvenile? Was it because he was the shoulder I needed to lean on when I was feeling down? The truth is that the answer to all these questions is Yes... My friend was providing me something that I was lacking, but a part of me always knew that I was confusing my friend's role. I was seeing him as a boyfriend when the truth of the matter is that he was only a friend.
Glasses and I would go to lunches and dinners and he would always call them "non-dates," but a part of me wanted to always ask: "Why can't this be a real date? Everything is perfect..." The conversation is always flowing and there is no awkwardness between us...
When my other friends would ask me if I had a crush on Glasses, I would always scoff and outwardly deny my feelings for him: "Me have a crush on Glasses? No way! You are so wrong... we are just friends!" But I knew I was always transparent about my real feelings for Glasses.
Even though I've tried convincing myself that my feelings for Glasses are just my way of dealing with the fact that I'm lonely and trying to make a relationship out of nothing, I can't but help feeling jealous seeing Glasses on dates at Bardo or sipping wine with a stranger at the bar... Or stalking his Facebook page once a day at least! [Who is this guy he added as a Friend!?! Hum... he likes his photo, huh?]
For now I'm trying to put my feelings about Glasses in perspective... We're just friends.... But why can't I stop thinking about him? And Ugh... Why hasn't he replied to my text about meeting him tonight for dinner?
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